Ask Sahaj: My job makes me feel like Ill never be good enough

Dear Sahaj: I work for an organization with an up or out system. I’ve been here for 20 years, am almost at the top of our system and am considered an effective leader. I never thought I was treated or viewed differently as a first-generation, female, Indian immigrant (moved to the States when I was 6). As I moved up the ranks to positions of increasing responsibility, I’ve received feedback about my performance — most related to my speech and pace. I move and think quickly and have sensitized myself to always be aware of how I come across.

I welcome feedback and I’ve had bosses and mentors who’ve really helped. I was in a good place until my latest boss told me I was a wonderful leader but not ready to move up. This was devastating as I’ve done so much work and accepted so much feedback. She offered no specific guidance, just general comments about there being concerns. After years of constantly being on guard and changing everything, from the way I dress to the way I speak, I’m exhausted. For the first time I’m wondering if it’s me or the system I’m working in.

Will anything I do be enough to move up to the top? Is there unconscious bias stemming from the fact that I’m a qualified and motivated Brown woman working in an environment where such things are incredibly rare? I’ve always believed if I worked hard enough, learned enough and accepted all the feedback, I’d be good enough. I don’t know anymore if that’s true. Nothing I do seems to be enough. I’m not sure where to go from here. The idea of leaving is terrifying since I don’t know what else I would do. But the idea of staying and not succeeding is also terrifying.

— Exhausted

Exhausted: You say you have done everything “right” and yet you feel stuck. For 20 years, you have contorted yourself to fit within a narrow definition of professionalism that governs how you dress and look and speak. Of course you’re exhausted. Feeling compelled to change yourself to fit in, or to succeed, would make anyone self-doubt and feel “not good enough.”

There’s often a meritocratic myth in professional settings: If you work hard, you will succeed. The reality is individual merit, privilege and power are often allocated based on where people are from. Research has found that when workplaces try to be meritocracies, they can actually perpetuate the very inequalities they are trying to eliminate. Asian Americans are the least likely racial group to be promoted into management roles, and women of color are the least represented group in leadership.

This meritocracy trap, where workplaces try and fail to address their implicit biases, can be compounded by the model minority myth for Asian Americans in the West, or the perception that all Asian Americans are smart, successful, polite, a “model.” This may make it harder to self-advocate, for fear of seeming “problematic” or “incapable.” Many people of color feel pressure to “be grateful” at work, something that can cause impostor syndrome or self-doubt. Remember: this is a systemic problem, not a you problem. It's not about whether you are “enough” if the system that is judging you is deeply flawed.

Being a woman of color in a predominantly White workplace can be exhausting, but please don't let it take your sense of self. Maybe you are holding yourself back because you have internalized others’ narratives about yourself. Remember what you’ve achieved and how you have gotten there. Find people in your corner who celebrate you.

What are your career aspirations, and is this company the right fit for you now? You’ve worked there for 20 years, but it sounds like you’ve plateaued. You can recognize how fruitful this workplace has been and that it’s time to grow elsewhere. Reevaluate your values and goals, and start considering what other opportunities look like. It may be scary, but it can also be rewarding and fulfilling.

Look to influential allies, aside from your manager, for mentorship, support, or advocacy. Employee resource groups with folks who share your identity, or external professional organizations are places to start. This support can build your confidence and bring new opportunities, skills and salary transparency.

Have a question for Sahaj? Ask her here.

If you decide to stay with your employer, you are entitled to know what the metrics are for upward mobility. You can be respectful yet assertive in following up — repeatedly — with requests for concrete and transparent information. It may help to keep your own work log, where you detail accomplishments and tasks. You can reference this log when you have conversations about your performance and it can also give you perspective on how your career aligns with your goals.

Finally, consider what success means to you, and if you need to rethink where your energy, happiness or personal satisfaction comes from. If work is your only source of happiness, it may be time to tease it apart from your personal life. This doesn’t mean you don’t deserve better at work, but it may help with managing your own well-being to focus on other parts of your life. Balance will come from getting clear on your career goals, connecting with your confidence, and expanding where you seek joy and fulfillment in your life.

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